So it has been awhile since I updated my journal and I wish it were on a more positive not. But its not and there is nothing I can do about it. My life just seems like it is spiraling out of control. I love p and my gorwing little bundle of joy but her lately I have been feeling trapped. I am having a flood of mixed emotions. How can you want with all your heart to be with someone forever and no in your heart you can love them full heartedly and have a family with them but yet sometimes you wished that the relationship did not progress the way it did and you could just escape and runaway from everything. Drive states away and live for awhile in solitude with out being burdened by work, a boyfriend, and family and friends concerns. I know it sounds confusing and it is. I feel like I am having a bit of a melt down and I have not felt this depressed since the whole p incident over a year ago. My drive is slowing down and I just want to disappear. I feel like I have no place to go and in a way no one to talk to. I don't want to involve family, they don't need to know all my concerns and really it is just to much to explain. And I really don't feel like crying to friends. That is not something I usually do, I bitch alot to friends about my problems but in very very rare cases do I actually cry to friends and I really dont want to. So I guess this will relieve some stress.

Me and P are not exactly on the best of terms right now. We are not exactly argueing right now but we defiantely are not picture perfect right now. All I want to do is spend time with p. I cry about it to him and I have been emotional for the last week about this same issue and yet it doens't seem like it makes much of a difference.

P's friend mar, whom I don't really care for ( for 1: he and his dear baby mama were the ones behind theit whole baby shower drama and 2: he really is not the greatest friend to p eventhough they are suppose to be best friends), was suppose to take p out the day before his bday and go to the bar and have a couple of drinks together. Which p was very excited about because over the years mar has never really done anything for p, no bday gifts or xmas presents. So obviously p was excited plus they haven't really hung out that much lately. Well not to much of a surprise to me these plans fell through. Oh and to make matters worse mar didn't even text or call p on his actual bday to wish him a happy bday- yeah great friend, huh?

Well so anyway I planned on taking p out to dinner for his bday. I didn't really know what else we would be doing throughout the day because I was under the impression that p's family wanted to do something for him. We me and p woke up around 11. And p called his mom because I think she had called him earlier. They wanted him to come over to help move some mattresses in the bedroom that way when his brother and sister-in-law came up from NC they would have some place to sleep. So p thought they would be prepared and it would be pretty quick and easy task to accomplish( so he didn't ask me to come, he thought it would just be an hour or so)- WRONG! The bedroom was a HUGE disaster. P actually ended up staying there for 5 hours, maybe a little more. Oh and they did do anything for his b-day.

So I made reservations for potstickers for 7:30. P got home around 5:20. We both showered and got dressed up. We were ready by like 6:15. So since we had sometime to spare we stopped by p's job so he could purchase somethings he had on hold and try and find his sister something for her bday. Appeararently the store was quite the disaster- but I get to that a little bit later in this lllllooooonnnggg asssss detailed story.

We went to potstickers and actually had a really nice dinner. Great conversation and all (surprise surprise giving this weeks track record- but all good things come to an end). We skipped dessert but I mentioned about maybe us going out a little later to get dessert, because me and the baby wanted it later, lol, and I knew p had to pick up his sis from work and take her in town to the other sis's apt.

We still had about an hour to spare after dinner and p had to try and purchase something for his sis before we picked her up, so time was a little close.  So we went to kohls and got her something in just enough time before picking her up, then we took her home.

P has been saying alot of stupid black jokes and racial slurs lately think it is funny and saying them with his frineds alot at work. Including the n word which really pisses me off. I dont feel like hearing racist shit. I dont g out with a black person for the hell of it. I have to deal with the thought of racism all me and p's relationship no matter how minor it is, whether it is just stares or whatever. I don't feel like constantly hearing shit I don't believe in and stuff I wish just did not have to exist and he defended. But the more I get mad at p for his stupid "funny" jokes it just seems like he says them more. So of course on the way to take his sis in town p had to start. And that got me and p started I was pissed. We got to arguing and he was talking about going into work for about 30 mins. to help them get the store back into order becuase apparently a GM is coming soon to check on the store. BULL SHIT! If rugged wearhouse can not be run smoothly without p there then it has no business being in business. They need to start firing lazy good for nothing motherfuckers and hiring some people that are actually were the labor cost. P also mad a brief comment about wanting to spend time with his 2 boys that were working that night.

So of course I was a little disturbed about that. Shouldn't you want to spend you bday with your family and girlfriends. I dont even hang out with my friends on my bday. I pretty much just spend the whole day with p and my family usually work around p's plans. I had even told p I didn't want to go home yetl. I wanted to spend time with p and to go out and get dessert. But even though I looked upset, do you think p cares? NO. He stills goes into work. Then he calls after about a hald hr and tells me through a voicemail that he is going out to hand with his 2 boys, I kept ignoring his calls.

I didn't know where is was going. To a bar? A strip club? And that grosses me out. It may sound weird but the fact that I am pregnant with his child and him being at a strip club with a bunch of big booty whores grosses me out. I thought be would prob be home around 2 or 3 or something. No he didn't get home til 5:40 in the fucking morning. My stomach was in knots to whole night. I was crying since the time I walked in the door and them when I finally got to sleep after thinking about where and what he was possibly doing I keep waking up every hour to find p not in bed or in the house. I keep thinking about our relationship and that was stressing me out. Sometimes I think if we broke up it would be the same as it is not. Work coming first, him not wanting to spend time with me, and him not caring about my feelings enough no matter how much he says he does. I think it me and p broke up as long as we could still remain friends and he oculd always see the baby he would be fine with that. I really don't feel that valued by him. Although some of this is contrarely to what he says I can't help the way I feel.

Then when he gets home he kisses the baby a few times first and then trys to cuddle and kiss me in bed. I am not trying to hear that. I am just thinking I should just try to disconnect myself for p emotionally and just cut my losses. Cut my disappointments in quality time not spent together. Plus I dont even know what he has been up to throughout the early morning. Eventually he gives up and falls asleep quickly next to me and starts snoring.. So I get up and go sleep in the living room since that night I was blessed with no house guests.

In the morning p is wonder why I am in the living room and before work he tries to talk about last night and find out while I am so mad/upset. He says he wanted to go out to with his boys and that they only went to his boys house and drank. But y on his bday? Don't I mean anything to him? Do my feelings count for anything? I understand he was disappointed the night before by mar but come on, and til 5:40 am. I don't get it. I never liked it when I stayed out until even midnight. SO what the fuck? Then he uses the excuse I never go out with my boys and would you rather I do it now then wait til after the baby comes and then u wont want me to. AAGGGHHH!!! Yeah sure but 5:40, and what about my fucking sacrifices. I can't fucking drink!! And for a mother-to-be to be out until the wee hours of the morning is pretty unexceptable. AAGH. IDK. My life sucks and I don't know what my next move is.

P actually admitted to me that he had planned on proposing to me before the baby came but then he was planning on moving it back from the original time he came on with. I was so excited when I finally hear him admit to that. But now I think I can wait. As much as a want that maybe he would be doing me a favor if he didn't do that. Possibly save me a divorce waiting to happen. IDK! Sometimes I think I could possiblely just walk away from him and maybe that would be the best thing, especially because I don't think it would bother him that much. But a baby complicates things so much more! Now I couldn't possiblely just walk away from him, we are now connected for life whether we like it or not.


AAAGGHHH!!! I dont know what life is going to bring in the next few day or weeks but we will see. Maybe all this will clear up soon and all these negative feelings will evaporate from my gloomy existence.

Current Mood: gloomy

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Well I finally signed up for classes for the fall semester. With my school schedule I always spend tons of time pondering what classes to take and at what times to fit in with work and my social life. And when I mean alot of time that is what I mean alot of time. I stress about it for weeks or months until it is finalized. Okay so I finally decided this was it- I figured out what classes to take. So I sign on today and go through the registration process. I wanted to sign up for Spanish, College Math and Stat., Accounting 2 ( the class I have been dreading ever since I almost failed Accounting 1), and Principles of Marketing. Well out of the 4 I only got one that I wanted- Math. Spanish for the time I choose was already full. And the other two i didn't have the  prerequisites to take them ( and guess what class I needed for them, yup math, the class I signed up for this semester). So I was a little pissed and worried. I wanted to take Accounting 2 just in case I failed it I still had the spring semester to pass it before the graduation in May ( and I really am pushing to graduate in May). But obviously that plan is messed up, so hopefully this class will not be as hard as I am mounting it up to be (praying: Lord please help me). So in the end I signed up for Math, Business Law, Human Resource Management, and Money and Banking, now if that doesn't sound like a fun semester I don't know what does. Now for the other bad news, guess who one of my teachers is, the same guy I had for Accounting 1, the class I almost failed and the teacher that when asked a question just poses the question in another form so I feel like I am doomed for failure. But I do have some good news. The class I have with him is also taught by another instructor, so hopefully the guy I don't like will let the other instructor do most of the teaching. Another weird and potentially good or bad thing is I have the same instructor for 3 different class (including the one that is taught my Mr. Handley- the ACC 1 teacher). So hopefully I like and learn well from him/her. Well I just need to try and stay focused this semester- my graduation depends on it. ********( DELTECH 2008)********

Fall 2007

Human Resource Management   ---- Monday     6:00 pm-8:50 pm
College Math and Stat. ----Mon , Wed, and Fri 8:30 am - 9:50 am
Money and Banking   ---- Mon and Wed 11:30 am- 12:50 pm
Business Law ---- Monday and We 1:30 pm - 3:20 pm

Current Mood: worried

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OKay.. so finally me and P have talked about what happened on Friday night. I am so glad. I really think we have established something. I realize that I really need to put in more effort than I did before for Patrick's happiness. In our discussion he said that when thing with me and him are not going good and then things with work and all are not going good he thinks about going back down south and misses his family more. But when things with me and him are going good he is not as home sick and he is content with just me. He also said he feels like I am the only thing he's got right now- this mom is down south, this big sister only calls when she wants to borrow money or wants him to take her somewhere, and his once "true" best friend keeps dissing him. I really feel bad for P, I can imagine how he feels and I don't like it one bit. P doesn't deserve this treatment at all, he really is a great guy- always willing to help his family when he can (which is almost always), he is very respectful. He just plainly doesn't deserve it he is just a wonderful guy and I am glad he is in my life. He was there for me in the hard times and I need to be there for him. I want things to be the way they used to be. More loving, romantic, and back in a time when he was my best friend- we could talk about anything and everything. I really wanted to marry him without a doubt. I couldn't stop thinking about it, I even bought a wedding planning book and always searched the web for different ways to make our wedding a unique and wonderful day. Since then I have lost the passion for that. Don't get me wrong I still want to be with him forever, marry him, and only be with him. But back then I wouldn't have minded getting married as young as I am. But now I have doubts, well not exactly doubts but I don't think I am ready for marriage yet. I just want it to be the way it used to be. Back then was so great. I think me and P really need sometime alone. Some time away from work, school, and all the daily stresses. I am thinking about looking into getting a cabin in the Poconos for a few days where we can be secluded and rekindle what we used to have and become closer. I don't know but I am really going to try hard this time- I am going to make sure me and P work. We have to work he is my everything.

Current Location: Home Sweet Home
Current Mood: determined

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